Forgetting even the blog

My black thumbnail is moving gradually towards the end of things.  I was using it as a body clock to mark the passing of time and hoping that I would of got somewhere by the time it had grown out.  Alas I am not where I thought I should be and have recognised the real possibility that I will never be where I thought I should be.  After a genuine push before Christmas on producing a literature review I have hit a wall of inertia.  I have had to pull back from writing as my anxiety levels actually got quite bad.  It is good to admit this to myself and to admit that being anxious is something I have to live with and take care of. I over think things and find it hard to be in the moment of something without worrying about something else.

I have therefore taken my foot off the pedal and allowed the black dead blood under my nail to gradually grow out in the background.  This decision or what could better be described as a lack of decision started just after my last supervision.   The problem from my end is quite straightforward in that I cannot write in a way that holds the central problematic contradiction at the core of my work and thinking.  The reason for this is twofold, firstly I am not a good enough writer and secondly the form of writing that is required for a successful PhD submission doesn't hold the level of ambiguity I feel I need. Not knowing and the problem with arts practice align with immanence in the space of the work for me but I seem unable to work this through my PhD writing.  I was always hoping that I would be able to do this through art, stories and material things and it was this tripartite combination that gave me optimism hope and direction. To move forward it is these three things I may have to abandon.

A ladybird is making its way across a book on Art-based methods on my desk. It has been woken up too early,  either by the mild weather or our central heating. It is orange rather than red and has around 16 black spots.  I want to write a PhD that pays attention to the ladybird, allows for it to enter into the writing and the thinking and to make new-sense.  As everyone is so keen to tell me this would not really be a PhD but critically for today this is where I am. The ladybird has crept into my blog post in order to help me finish it off with a little flare of colour.