When I work in schools I often review by asking the students a set of questions at the end of the session. They are very standard questions but often throw up interesting thoughts. I think I originally based the approach on something I stole from Peter Senge in his systems thinking book the 5th discipline which sounds a bit quasi religious or sci-fi but is very business. I feel like I read it in a different life but the bit I stole was to make slightly longer lists than expected of things that you do and don't like and then start to priorities. If you could choose two things off the list what would they be ? which is the most important single thing on the list. To be honest I have a meeting with Abi tomorrow to review how the PhD is going. My lists are currently all muddled up so I am doing some thinking out-loud - partly as a note to self and partly to prepare for the meeting.
6 things that are going well.
1. I am enjoying the space that having a regular income is giving me.
2. It is really interesting having a 3 year project and been able to think in terms of this.
3. I am really enjoying working closely with Abi it feels like within the Eastwood project a different way of working is emerging for me. I would not say its more thoughtful but it does feel more connected to what I think research can be - or perhaps do.
4. I'm enjoying reading more and more systematically. ( see not going so well also)
5. I have really enjoyed my supervisory meetings - each one has felt like what a I thought conversations at universities would be like before I actually went and realised the weren't. I feel respected and I feel valued and think they are a great and supportive team.
6. I think I am working out how to work with my life experience , my connections , and the things I'm good at in the context of my research. This has been really hard but probably the area where I have learned the most.
6 things that are not going as well.
1. I've found it harder than expected to adjust to the intellectual isolation of doing a PhD. I hadn't really anticipated it.
2. I've secretly found my dyslexia a challenge - its made me notice and become aware of my coping strategies. I have become aware they are no longer fit for purpose but struggle to do the work to sort myself out- 52 years is a long time to just about get by.
3. A couple of months ago I would have said that I felt a bit isolated and thought there would be more structure. Not in terms of my PhD but things I could get involved in at ESRI. I know there are things like the visual methods group and the labs but it hasn't felt like the best time to get involved - they feel like a distraction.
4. I don't think I am reading systematically enough - I have bad habits that need breaking. I think some of the texts and ideas I have been encouraged to explore by my supervisors have been a little to difficult and very eclectic. The most useful stuff I've read has being historical - Dewey especially and some specific writing on Play and of course Collin Ward. I've also got a lot from reading some stuff on methods and ethnography Sarah pink and Eric Lasseter especially. I feel like this reading has worked well to start mapping out a field. New materialism - speculative realism and some post structural text and also writing on affect has being interesting but to be honest I can easily get overwhelmed when I try and think through some of this writing in relation to the fieldwork and the idea of residency as method.
5. The ethics process feels like a mess. The rest of the logistics has not being easy for me but I have never worked within an institution or had a job so that's probably to be expected. Navigating ethics has felt over complicated and without any rational that makes sense in the context of the research I'm proposing. On the positive side it has made me think deeply about ethical issues and consider things in a different way but I don't think this has being helped by the mechanism of applying.
6. I thought I would have more clarity and direction by now - I'm not sure if the fact I haven't is good or bad.
You are now supposed to whittle the list down to 4 then 3 then the most important single thing but to shorten the process I think I will just do the best thing and the worst thing
The best thing
The time and space for thinking- this means not having to rush around all the time looking for work and threading things together and pretending they make sense. It feels like a massive privilege and it feels like the first proper pause I've had since I stopped been a dad at home in 2002. I'm not sure I deserve it but I think it is my absolute duty to make the most of it and try and keep happy and engaged through it. It's cheating a bit as this should be one thing but part of this is getting to work with such brilliant people like Abi Geof Kate and Laura but also people at playgroup and people at the adventure playground -
The least best thing.
Fighting the nagging bit of self doubt about not been good enough. I know we all have this and its different for everyone. My slow reading speed and my dyslexia ( as Geoff would say - the haunting of it) are bigger than I expected- so possible in a true and honest systems thinking kind of a way I should flag this up here.
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